”Get BIG, Megan. Get BIG,” screamed my high school basketball coach as I maneuvered to box out the opposing player under the basket. Being big on the basketball court was always the goal for post players like myself. Being big meant using the heft and strength of my body to get into a position to score or play effective defense. Being big on the court meant being powerful.
That was the one and only time in my adolescent life when I wanted to be big. As a teen, I never actually wanted my body to be big, even though it just naturally was. I longed for it to be very small, so very tiny, like the woman I saw in magazines and on TV. As a cis female child, I was raised to be very critical of my body and the bodies of others. At the time, I had no concept of the destruction diet culture was having on my sense of self. Not only was I taught to value the disappearing female body, I was also taught that women were to stay small within relationships. I was taught to be gentle, kind, courteous, and always cooperative. Conflict was to be avoided. Don’t rock the boat or upset others. Seek approval always. And for god-sakes, do not show anger. This would become the most destructive set of teachings of my life.
In my post Taking Up Space I wrote about women in sports being celebrated for being big, strong and loud. However, outside of sports, women are bombarded with messages to stay small and to not take up space. Being small, or rather slowly disappearing, is quite literally the goal of the diet and fitness industry. Lean, thin, trim, tiny, all “desirable” states and dangled as the ultimate life prize to those who want it hard enough and are willing to sacrifice for it. In our weight obsessed world, the smaller we become, the more accepted we are seen as worthy. This is a profoundly limiting belief and must be challenged.
The endless pursuit of smallness is the pursuit of slowly disappearing. When we work to disappear within our physical bodies, we disappear within our relationships and within our very own sense of ourselves. We learn to speak carefully so as to not make others uncomfortable. The constant editing of our voice is exhausting. Boundaries become trampled because we are frightened of conflict and avoid it at all costs. We enter what Tara Brach refers to as the “trance of unworthiness” and we suffer so deeply in this diminished existence.
Learning to find your voice, to exist without apology, is like learning to walk. You will feel unsteady, unsure of yourself at first. You will explore your newly realized power with excitement, but also with anxiety and with fear. You will need to find safe places along the way to rest and re-group. Just as toddlers delight in adults beaming at them as they take those first unsteady steps, you too will need to find your own cheerleaders to encourage and support you. And yes you will fall. Navigating human relationships and stepping into our power is hard and often at times confusing work. However, each time you fall you learn and you will rise again. And before you know it, you will be moving with confidence and with courage. You will simply know where you need to be and you will go there.
The next time you notice that you have diminished yourself to make someone else feel comfortable pay attention. What does this feel like in your body? Pause, breathe and just notice without judging this as good or as bad. What sensations do you notice? What emotions are you feeling? Pause, breathe and allow yourself to be present in this very moment. What words went unspoken? What truths were left unsaid? What needs of your own were ignored? What part of yourself was sacrificed so that someone else felt comfortable? Write this down. Practice speaking this truth, without apology in the mirror. Practice with a trusted cheerleader or friend. Make a plan for changing your response next time. If you feel safe to do so, go back and share what you really wanted to say with the person you interacted with.
All bodies, all human beings, no matter their size or shape, deserve to take up space and to be loved exactly as they are. Relationships are stronger when we are vulnerable with radical honesty. Maggie Kuhn, the founder of Grey Panthers, said “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes. “
Pause, breathe, and let yourself become BIG using your honest voice.