May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I’d like to pose the following question: when you evaluate yourself, how do you measure up?
Working in the field of Mental Health for over 20 years, I have found the one constant force behind all suffering is shame. As we come out of isolation from the pandemic, we once again are confronted with interactions with others that often bring up a great sense of exposure. We are literally being seen again. Many of us suffer from a deep sense of shame about the appearance of our bodies. Many more of us struggle with insecurity about what we have and have not accomplished in the past year, or quite possibly in our entire life. Many of us hold shame for the breakdown of our relationships with family, friends or even our spouse or partner(s). Many of us worry about how to answer the question “How are you doing?” If we answer honestly, will we frighten the person asking? If we lie, are we being dishonest?
Shame lies behind all these struggles. We don’t even need to hear an actual criticism to be overwhelmed with it. The imagined critic within each of us is powerful enough to spin us into a shame cycle.
Am I ok? Why am I like this? Why can’t I do better? Why did I allow my body to get like this? Why can’t I get it together? Why am I so lazy? Why I am so weak? What is wrong with me? And on and on and on…
In an article titled “The Scientific Underpinnings and Impacts of Shame”
by Annette Kämmerer, researchers have found that people who feel shame readily are at a much greater risk for depression and anxiety disorders. Shame fuels self-doubt, worry, and fears and ultimately triggers the stress response within our sympathetic nervous system to ramp up, kicking our minds and bodies into preparation for something terrible happening. This physical response makes it hard for us to be vulnerable or to connect within our human relationships. Over time this response leads to worsening medical conditions. We feel unwell in our bodies. While feeling a wave of shame our heart may pound, our breath may become rapid, and we may shake or sweat or generally feel really crappy. We may literally want to hide, run, or attack. Our wise body is doing its best to keep us safe. But the safety we are searching for is not found in shame. The safety we are desperate for is found by building shame resilience.
We must ask ourselves the questions: what measures are we using to define our worth? Are they helpful, accurate, and reasonable? And, lastly, are they fair?
Human beings are compared and evaluated beginning at birth with the APGAR score, a test given to newborns that assesses a baby's heart rate, muscle tone, and other signs to see if emergency care is needed. As an infant grows, their development continues to be tracked along a growth chart based on many factors, including body length and weight and whether they are meeting or not meeting developmental guidelines. As a child enters school, their progress continues to be evaluated based on their ability to complete social, emotional, and educational tasks typical children of their same age can complete. This process of developmental evaluation, or measuring up, continues similarly through later childhood, adolescence, and into early adulthood.
When children and adolescents do not measure up as what is perceived as normal, shame starts to plant its invasive seed. These seeds of shame are often felt deeply within our souls and impact our very sense of self throughout our development. The belief that there is something very wrong with us grows and roots, becoming commonplace and part of our identity.
Shame cycles continue into adulthood with constant comparisons to others about achievement, relationships, wealth, health, body size/shape, etc. A never-ending cycle surfing waves of inadequacy and belief you can never quite measure up.
Shame and guilt often are lumped together as similar and equal partners. However, it is important to understand that guilt has an evolutionary purpose while shame does not. Guilt helps us take responsibility for and correct behaviors that lead to social disharmony. It is easy to confuse shame for guilt. Eating a second helping of ice cream is not something that leads to social disharmony, and thus should not be experienced as guilt. Stealing someone’s ice cream, however, is something we should feel guilty for and work to correct. Shame about eating a second helping of ice cream does nothing to help us, rather it only leads to prolonged suffering.
In her 2007 book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power, Brené Brown reveals four key elements of shame resilience:
Being able to recognize, name, and understand our shame triggers.
Developing critical awareness about our own shame webs and triggers.
Being willing to reach out to others (rather than hide and isolate ourselves).
Having the ability to speak about our experiences of shame with those who have earned the right to hear them.
Weeding out shame cannot be done alone. Just as an infant develops in relation to their environment, as adolescents and adults we heal and grow in relationship with others. Our shame must be seen. It must be held tenderly with love and compassion. And only then, can shame really be challenged and released.
Brené Brown also writes in Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, that "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path."
Are you willing to step into a place of vulnerability to allow your shame to be seen, held with love, and challenged? What benchmarks are you using to measure your worth? Are they fair? Would you measure others the same way you measure yourself?
How do you measure up? And what are you ready to let go of?